first published in Long Story Short, May 7, 2012

Tired of high prices and the competitive rental market? Get away from the frustrations of urban living. We have openings immediately in a secure, modern complex with facilities for men and women. Single and double units are available for both short- and long-term tenants. We pride ourselves on serving our clients’ every need. Units are furnished with a desk, bed, and linens. Meals are provided by professional caterers and are supplemented with weekly deliveries from our commissary. Utilities are paid by landlord. Exercise facilities available on site. Security 24 hours.

Our units are built from concrete, steel and sound-proof glass, ensuring you will not be disturbed by outsiders, nor each other. However, we also offer a strong community. All units face a common courtyard where residents gather for chess, dominos, and cards. Everything you need is behind our gates including education, vocational training, and recreation. We even offer counseling with trained professionals and medical care on demand. To keep this supportive environment, we maintain a strict code of conduct, which is rigorously enforced by our staff.

Best of all, there are no move-in costs. Discounts are offered in exchange for work on-site in a multitude of jobs including laundry, food prep, and custodial. Many of our former clients find the accommodations addictive and return frequently for repeat stays. Others become so accustomed to our style of living they never leave. If you too are ready for a new approach to housing, contact the Poorman County Sheriff’s Department for details, or drop by any time for an open-ended stay. (Woman and minorities are encouraged to apply!)